So i’m one of those girlfriends (technically, I’m a fiancee now, but who’s being specific?) that gets moody and stroppy when I don’t get my own way, but in my defence, what girlfriend isn’t?
I expect you to know exactly what I want before I ask, and if you don’t I’m pretty sure I’m gonna threaten to make you sleep on the couch and use it against you for months.
When i’m in the kitchen cooking tea, how dare you presume that I’m not actually watching anything and decide to watch ‘Steve Austins Broken Skull Ranch” – I clearly wanted to listen to the weather! / But if you’re watching Steve Austin and I’ve just got out of the bath, please know that when I come downstairs I will expect you to turn something better on immediately.
When you’ve finished a delicious (if I may say so myself) home-made meal, if I ask you how it tasted and you respond ‘lovely’ every night, i WILL get the hump. Mix it up boy – tell me its delicious or flavoursome or exquisite. If you cook something for me, I’m pretty certain it’ll be too cold or undercooked, and I will make it known.
If I ask why you didn’t wash your plate and you say ‘you didn’t ask me to’ AM I YOUR MOTHER – NO! (well kinda, sometimes) DO IT BECAUSE YOU SHOULD, NOT BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN ASKED TO! But if I leave my plate on the floor next to me for 2 hours, its completely fine, I’ve had a busier day than you today.
When I ask you to get me a surprise from the shop and you come home with a bottle of Oasis when I clearly wanted Lucozade – WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT IN THIS RELATIONSHIP YOU SHOULD KNOW ME BETTER THAN THAT! But if you ask me to get a chocolate bar for you and I forget it, I’ve got a lot on my mind, go and get it yourself!
And if you dare take one of my M and M’s without asking, please understand that I will donkey kick you as you’re walking up the stairs behind me. If you respond to the donkey-kick I will NOT be happy. You are not allowed to retaliate. I might have broken your nose, but you broke my heart as you chewed on one of my favourite delectables.
If I smack your arse whilst you carry a bru and accidentally spill it all down you, don’t even bother to react by tea-towel whipping me. YOU’RE SO HEAVY HANDED AND I WILL TAKE IT OUT ON YOU FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT.
If I lock you out of the house whilst you put the bins out, in nothing but your boxers, don’t start shouting ‘Loz, come on its freezing out here!’ in that grumpy tone, because ill only make you stay out for 10 seconds longer than originally intended.
Please don’t say ‘you look beautiful’ when I have no make up on. Ill only shout at you for lying when I’ve got no make up on cos I’m pretty sure I’m a 3 at best.
WHY ARE YOU WATCHING A VIDEO ON YOUR PHONE WHILST IM TRYING TO LISTEN TO AMBER PRETEND SHE CARES ABOUT KEM! But also, if I find a video whilst were watching Love Island, you must pause the TV immediately so I don’t miss it.
When we’re cuddling, please don’t put your legs on me, they’re too heavy. If I put my legs on you and you complain, I’m pretty certain you’re calling me fat and I won’t be happy.
When you’re rubbing my back, don’t you dare do it for anything less that 3 hours. If you ask me to rub your back, please note that my arm will ache after 4 minutes and after that ill just tickle the same spot for the rest of the time.
If I’m squeezing your spots, stop being such a baby and man up! If i ask you to get one of my spots, don’t you dare be rough, that shit hurts!
So what if you haven’t bought any new trainers in the past 2 years, you’ve only bought me 4 bunches of flowers since we got together WHERE IS THE LOVE?
If I tell you I ordered a bag that I realllllyyyyyyyy liked online and its on sale for £40 reduced from £270, please know that if you spend £3.70 on a coffee without consulting with me I will ask you how you expect us to save up when you’re being crazy with money!
If I let our toddler have toys in his bath after you said no, its because I feel bad for him because he’s just so cute and he couldnt possibly mean it he’s only a baby. If you let our toddler have toys in the bath after I said no then I’m pretty sure you’re trying to start world war 3.
If you start to tidy up at 9pm because the mess is annoying you, please know that I will not be joining you, Big Brother has just started. If I randomly stand up and start tidying whilst you’re video calling your gran from Spain who you haven’t spoken to in 18 months, and you do not cancel on her and join in, please do not expect me to even look in your direction without scowling for the next 7 days.
Boys, guys, gentlemen, lads – I am so sorry – you will never ever win. You are always much more rough than we are, and we have more feelings so its more likely you’ll hurt them. But we love you really, and we do actually appreciate you putting up with our psycho princess bullshit every now and again.
I am actually completely obsessed with Ryan. He is my absolute best friend and without him I would be lost. I also think we work so well to make life decisions together and to be good cop bad cop to the kid when required (I’m usually good cop, it means i get cuddles even when he’s being a little shit – Joshua, not Ryan)
I won’t say anything further, I know you’ll be reading and you’ll only come home and eat my M and M’s on purpose. I love you millions you big bald bell-end. Thank you for always being my number one fan with everything I do. you da real MVP
To the people shaking their head in disgust and saying ‘oh dear, who would put up with that shit’ – *please note* – This blog requires a slight sense of humour (come on I’m no Jason Manford but its clear to see its bants – its all tongue in cheek! – Im talking about us psycho girls in general, I don’t actually mentally and physically abuse Ryan on the regs (just every now and again when he deserves it) He might be 20 days younger than me, but there’s no need to call childline, he’s actually pretty well looked after!
PS – I just wanted to say thank you so much to everybody that has taken the time to message me/comment and share my blogs, and to the people that take time out of their day to have a read of my rants and waffles. Its so incredible having people from Cyprus, India, USA and all over the world visiting my blog, but its so special to me that people I know and from allover the the UK have given me so many lovely compliments. Thank you so much x x x x