I WONT TELL YOU AGAIN, UN-GLUE YOUR EYES FROM SCOOBY-DOO FOR 3 FUCKING SECONDS AND GET YOUR SHOES ON- is what I say in my head as I pleasantly ask “Joshua put your shoes on please, and if you don’t listen to me, you won’t have a DVD on in bed tonight”.
There’s so many parenting manuals flying about WHS and Waterstone’s recently and its usually written by a woman living on 150k a year who has a well behaved child called Jasper.
They usually share their bedtime routine (I bet it doesn’t contain frogs behind radiators) and the fact that their child is excelling at life and its due to how much of a brilliant routine they have. Their babies usually start walking at 12 weeks old and know how to wipe their own arse at 9 months. Piss off Karen we all know how to give them a bottle at 7pm and pop them in bed to get them into a routine. What we really need is to share our wisdom with each other of ways to win against our little smart arse kiddiwinks that sometimes have an answer for everything…SO IF YOU’RE A NORMAL MUM (or dad) AND YOUR CHILD CAN SOMETIMES BE A LITTLE SHIT, IGNORE PARENTING MANUALS AND SUPER-NANNY, I’VE GOT YOU COVERED.
This is my ‘how to deal with children that aren’t as well behaved as Jasper’ top ten tips!
1: Bribe them – “If you don’t eat your broccoli, you won’t get big muscles like daddy” My all-time favourite, works every time!
2: Ignore them – Oh you want to plank in the middle of the aisle in Tesco because I won’t let you buy the book that you already have? Cya! *wanders off down the aisle, hears tiny pitter pattering behind seconds later* *hopes that pitter pattering isn’t in other direction, if it is, you better get your running shoes on*
3: You are superior, don’t forget that – I don’t know one single mum that hasn’t ever said “BECAUSE I SAID SO”. It works, what we say goes! and if not ill send you my youtube tutorial of how to build a toddler dungeon.
4: Blag it – “Joshua I know I said we would watch Horrid Henry this morning but Henrys had to go to school, he’ll be back later though” – HA I WIN YOU GULLIBLE LITTLE SHIT!
“Im sorry baby I know I said you can have the last cookie but daddy ate it, don’t worry, mummy will buy you some special ones just for you” *wipes crumbs from around mouth subtly* hahaha
5: Wing it – This is something we are ALL familiar with. We all wing it on a daily basis. Thats what parenting is isn’t it? “Of course I know what temperature my child should be, it should be 37.5 Silly, I DID NOT JUST GOOGLE IT OK!
6: Sod it – Did I say Joshua couldn’t have had a cake after his tea because he punched his dad in the face? yes. But if I go back on my word and tell him he can have his cake will he eat all of his tea? yes. *discreetly slides cake across the table and gives the ‘don’t tell dad’ evil stare*
7: Deny it – I KNOW FOR A FACT WE’RE ALL GUILTY OF THIS. “He said what? Fuck off? Oh I don’t know where he got that from, its not like I was watching Love Island whilst he was playing in the hope that he wouldn’t be listening, it must have been grandad’s fault” hahahahah
8: Play on it – “Are you not going to listen to me today? Oh okay, well wait until I tell daddy when he gets home, wait until I tell nana and father christmas” oh that doesn’t bother you? WAIT UNTIL I TELL BLAZE AND THE MONSTER MACHINE THEN” yeah 1-0 to me kid!
9: forget it – Don’t create a battle the next morning. If one night your child happened to ignore absolutely everything you asked them to do because being a dinosaur was more fun, and you threatened them with something along the lines of “RIGHT YOU LITTLE FUCKER GET TO BED AND WHEN YOU GET UP IN THE MORNING YOURE NOT HAVING YOUR TOYS AND YOURE NOT GOING TO THE PARK” but you actually do want to get them to the park, do not threat. Im pretty certain they would have forgotten anyway. U will not go to hell for going back on your word.
10: DO NOT FOLLOW MANUALS – happily exchange free advice with any other ‘normal’ parents but do not pay for a manual because they do not know anything more than you do. They did not crack any codes and do not have access to any more information than you do.
Fuck Jasper and his bedtime routine.