I have always been an open book. I tell people way too much about my life and the older I’ve got, the more I’ve always regretted it. I told people plans that I didn’t follow through with, I told people about struggles I’ve faced for it to be used against me. Ive shared my experiences, good and bad, in order to help other people and sometimes, myself.
But as I said, as I’ve gotten older, and especially over the last few months, I wish I’d never have discussed my life with others so much. Especially temporary people. I had a job that I quite liked when I was just 17 and after being a complete open book to them as to why I was late once (I was currently homeless, I only had enough bus fair to get me to work and not home and I literally carried a bag of my clothes around with me) I think they decided that It would be easier to find somebody with less baggage. But young and naive Lauren just wanted to let them know that I am doing everything I can but its just a little hard at the moment. Its something I have always regretted and think about often, and only the other day did I pass the manager that fired me. God I was close to walloping her across her saggy, judgemental mush. (not sure if I realise that this isn’t a personal diary and the world will be able to see it, but hey – I said i’d still be an open book about some things I suppose)
I wish I never told anybody anything when I was younger. Colleagues, Distant relatives, anybody that isn’t Ryan I suppose. I think I will always be openly honest about a lot of things, but now I think I would love to take everything back and be a complete closed book. I am at a stage in my life where I wish nobody knew anything about me that I don’t want them to know. Nobody has the right to discuss or judge or even question the person I am and used to be (who I would go as far to say are two different people).
I find that in the past I sometimes painted a picture of myself who I thought each person wanted me to be, rather than actually being myself, but over the past few months I would say I have learned a lot about myself. It’s like all of a sudden I’ve had this epiphany and I know exactly who I am after my dramatic quarter-life crisis late last year.
But one thing I have definitely learned this year is that I cannot be dealing with drama. I cannot cope with the constant need to fulfil the happiness of other people when it actually makes me feel a little bit shitty in doing so. I cannot paint on a face and pretend to be happy with a situation when I am not.
I’ve cut off a lot of people off over the past few months (A LOT) and I honestly have never felt so relieved. Having to constantly stick to arrangements that I’m not happy with, sitting in somebody’s company that I cannot bare to spend another moment fake laughing at, listening to somebody tell a story whilst thinking ‘that’s bullshit’ the whole way through. Well it honestly started to grind me down. Pretending to be somebody I’m not in order to please others.
So instead of pulling and pulling at the rope, fighting to stay happy and trying to please everybody and keep the peace… I just let go.
The relief was instant. I have never felt better. I stopped giving respect to those that didn’t give it back. I think the few people I have around me might sometimes worry that I might regret it one day (and who knows, maybe I will) but I decided that I have to do whats best for me. I will not have a single person in my life that puts me down, makes me feel less of a person, or particularly tell me that I won’t amount to anything when they have a big big lesson to learn in life considering they know nothing about ‘adult life’ at this point. (if any of you are reading this, ill let you decide which one relates to you)
I think my biggest worry was that cutting myself off from the world might affect Joshua, but if somebody is having a negative impact on my life, surely this would inadvertently affect him? Besides, the people that truly love him and want to see him (and its definitely clear who those people are) would not cut him off due to our differences. The ones that have cut him off as though we’re a package are the ones I feel sorry for. It is most definitely not his loss, its theirs. And I think I will continue to follow this motto.
“Never wrestle with pigs, you both get dirty, and the pig likes it”
For a while I felt lonely and wondered why I felt so distant to the world. I wondered why nobody liked me and why I was never good enough, and why everybody around me seemed to have a problem, but the truth is, it was my time being wasted, not theirs. It was me cutting them out of my life, not the other way around. Its me walking away and leaving the tug of war. So its not that I’m lonely, I’m just choosing not to play a game that I have no interest in winning.
I have my amazing fiance, my gorgeous little boy, a few very close family members, a few good friends and I’m pretty sure they all know who they are. I have very few people around me these days and yet I’ve never been more happy.
Now the only games I have to worry about playing are ‘I spy (it usually begins with ‘N’ and the answer is usually dog) and football. And thats how I hope it stays…