For answers, turn to page 64

How unfortunate is it that you cannot google ‘how do I respond to my shithead of a son refusing to eat his broccoli?’ – I mean, you can google it, but the best answer you’ll get is from Julie on Mumsnet telling you how you should give him a good wallop like they did in the old’en days.

I hope it’s not just me, but I’m constantly questioning whether Im doing enough. If I let him play fight with his dad is he going to crack little Jimmy at school across the face. If I ignore and laugh at his cheeky (and really cute) little comments (like “i’m getting sick and tired of you”) is he going to end up being really cheeky and naughty? But if I don’t let him say the little remarks how will he ever bring out his personality properly, he’s not exactly saying it in a vicious way?

What do I teach him about death? He thinks that when you die you turn into a star in the sky but once he goes to school what if his friends teach him that you don’t, you’re either burned to a crisp or buried underground.

How do I approach the fact that some of his friends might not get as many christmas presents as him. How do I explain that father christmas doesn’t have favourites, its just that some people are luckier than others.

If I show him a baby bump and explain there’s a baby inside, is he going to point at the stomach of every woman and say ‘look mum theres a baby in there!’

When he throws his Moana boat across the room in a strop you can’t skip to page 64 to find the answer. Its on you.

If he doesn’t want to go out for the day and even when we get to the park he doesn’t fancy going on anything, do I force him because its fun and its good to get fresh air, or do I bring him home and hope that he doesn’t turn into one of them kids that never wants to leave the house.

Do I continue to buy him the toy figures of every disney programme ever created because he absolutely loves them, or will he end up spoiled and expect it from is?

You get the point. There is no manual.

For all I know I could be doing absolutely everything wrong and it terrifies me. I could wake up one morning in the future to find my son has turned into a cheeky little so and so that never leaves the house, never cleans up after himself and refuses to eat anything green. Maybe one day ill look back and think Julie from Mumsnet knew exactly what she was talking about – she realised her mistakes and beat the shit out of her fuckery of a teenager and now she’s out in force trying to stop other mums from making the same mistakes.

Maybe one day i’ll be the new Mumsnet loser trying to give out my words of wisdom because I don’t want anybody to bugger it up the way I ended up doing so.

But I think if Joshua came anything close to being naughty Id like to think we would nip in in the bud there and then. He is a good lad, we are actually very lucky, but I do question that he might wake up one day and it’ll all change forever.

Chances are Julie doesn’t know what she’s talking about, she probably doesn’t even have kids. I reckon she’s one of those grumpy old women that frown on the bus when a baby makes a slight noise. She probably has 8 cats, her family never visits and she spends her days hid away in her bedroom commenting on youtube videos and making complaints about a tin of beans thats slightly bent to try and get a coupon for 20p off the next tin she buys.

Thinking about it, Id rather end up with a quick-whitted little bugger of a son than a Julie anyway.

 

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